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Thread: Disney+ announcement or some shit I made up, or a little of both?...
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Hulu is making films with the hollow remnants of Fox's film division, including 20th Century which still has the wrong date but joins other Fox expatriates in having 'Fox' striped out.
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A mini series in which each episode worshipfully follows Tom Brady to the superbowl that will not mention any negatives and will reuse a ton of archival ESPN footage to maximize profit per minute played.
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Elizabeth Holmes and conning America are funny again as Kate McKinnon makes this deeply unlikable character fun again by reprising McKinnon's mad scientist character from Ghostbusters but named Elizabeth Holmes.
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A 24 hour live stream of Rosario Dawson as she goes between multiple sets, desperately trying to escape the Disney+ compound.
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More Handmaid's Tale, a show you literally forgot existed until this moment.
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A remix of all Finn footage from Star Wars into an all new plot: Finn - Disney Plused
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Jeff Bridges is a stoned old CIA operative forced to avoid acknowledging any real historical truths about the CIA while just trying to get his wife back.
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More American Horror Story, but with an S on the end to indicate each season is an anthology so they don't have to pay actors as much because the big stars are there for only one episode.
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It's The Office! But modern technology and humorless-I mean "bold".
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A comic book adaptation that you likely haven't heard of from... jeez over a decade ago now I think? But it's a world of all ladies only the protagonist is still a dude! This was very progressive in 2002.
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Alien: but it's a TV show so all the creepy suspense is gone and it's gonna be an action show.
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A white Australian dude's retelling of Japanese history told through the eyes of an English boat navigator, from a book originally published in 1975. It's many of our executives' favorite book to mention at dressy parties 40 readers ago.
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*years
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An anthology series where every episode is an adventure with a different beloved droid from the Star Wars universe.
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A spin off of a throwaway line and single prop from the last successful extant Star Wars property The Mandalorian.
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A cartoon adaptation that fully brings to life the epic alternate history of Heir to the Empire Haha no you're not getting that you nerd.
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A spin off from Rogue One of a character whose name you could not remember the minute you stepped out of the original film if I put a gun to your head and also you already know he's dying at the end.
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Ten hour long episodes where we play a blank screen and you imagine a much better show staring Donnie Yen as the best modern Star Wars character.
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A lady Jedi!
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Another 6+ hours of Hayden Christensen playing a deeply unlikable version of a deeply unlikable character no one cares about, now that we know he's a genocidal child killer, interspersed with you screaming at the TV to get back to a perfectly good performance by Ewan McGregor.
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A dark and gritty spin off of the children's Star Wars TV show Rebels but now they're working for the Empire and... killing Jedi I guess? Grim, just like your kids love.
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Another Rebels spin off where they explore the backstory of the man who invented the Plasma repeater rifle when your favorite side characters have to hunt him down to save the rebellion.
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A series of short Star Wars films where they tediously roll back every decision that was even vaguely interesting in The Last Jedi and explore the true meaning of midiclorians(sp? I don't care)
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Lando Calrissian! You know his name! We're going to do something with him, we don't know what but *yeah* this is here so hopefully you'll forget how we mistreated Finn as a character. Because that's how executives think!
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Your favorite part is the prequels was all the speeches in the galactic senete so we're doing a show about that! That was your favorite part right? Right?!
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Wow I totally made up the Droid one earlier as a joke but... Maybe that's a real thing actually?
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Willow... A thing you know, right, you know Willow? Right? George Lucas did it! You like him right?
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Red Tails: the show. According to George Lucas it's very progressive! That's what he said when he sold it to us!
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Harrison Ford returns to convincingly play a mummy... Oh wait, I mean action hero Indiana Jones.
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5 new Taika Waititi things because his new contract says he's either doing Disney media or Hitler movies and he's all out of Hitler movies! We're trying real hard to grind that creativity and free spirit out of him.
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A documentary series about Jacques Cousteau, the only man to ever explore the ocean. Ever!
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NatGeo puts its favorite photos to music from the Disney label collection, we already own all of this so it's pure profit!
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In exchange for showing up in the Aliens show we forced Sigourney Weaver to sit in a soundbooth and narrate about whales.
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The Secret Lives of Dung Beatles
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We rigged too many gopher animations in the last Indiana Jones film, so they're getting their own show!
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We've created an elaborate set of excuses so you can watch Chris Hemsworth undress outside.
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We sent Darren Aronofsky and Will Smith out on a field trip so they could both stop losing us money in films.
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More Mighty Ducks! They will not at all engage with conversations about children getting concussions while they portray children getting concussions in this... almost 30 year old franchise!
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Your kids thought you made up Turner & Hooch as a joke, it never really existed they told you. Well you've got them now! We relaunch it with adorable Disney stars! It'll be hot on TikTok in no time!
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John Stamos stars in this sports thing about women empowerment.
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A mystery comedy TV show
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"new global content" from the Kardashian Jenners. But not involving Kanye West, at all, we promise.
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They are actually remaking Hocus Pocus, a film that - - I promise you - - is not as good as you remember.
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Three Men and a Baby, but now the original baby is one of the men and the new baby is bossy in a legally distinct way from profitable film Boss Baby. And also it won't subtly reinforce gender stereotypes this time we swear.
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Baby's Day Out 2: a soft reboot with a lovable animal sidekick.
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A whole bunch of inoffensive real life sports stories lightly fictionalized to sand off the edges.
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Cheaper by the Dozen was never good and no one can make it good so apologies in advance to the people at dumped it on.
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*we dumped it on
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A high minded adaptation of Grapes of Wrath.
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Disney squeezing every last drop from Diary of a Wimpy Kid.
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Ice Age. A Thing that still exists. Throw it on the TV and walk away and your kids will never notice your gone.
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Night at the Museum's director almost escaped but we're making another one as contractual leverage to keep him in the fold.
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We didn't make the recent successful Jumanji films, so we're going to poison the well by making another Jumanji sequel with all the identifying marks sanded off.
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More "Live Action" Lion King. Just what you wanted.
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A waste of a really good cast on another live action remake, but this time it's The Little Mermaid.
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What I want now is a stand alone Awkwafina as Scuttle film now though... Seriously. I'm not playing on this one.
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More Peter Pan... why not we're live actioning every film in our back catalog.
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Sister Act 3: Whoopi Goldberg just shook out our wallets because we're desperate and she is worth it. Good for her.
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Oh my god it just keeps going.
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Rapunzel+ Brother Bear+ Hercules+ And a dark gritty continuation of Lilo and Stitch where live action versions of these characters must hunt down space criminals to satisfy the price on their head set by the galactic alliance.
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Now that we've market tested afro futurism we're going all in!
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Meet a magical family in their magical home with more music from the guy who did Hamilton that you like.
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The enslaved hyper intelligent dog from totally happy film Up is getting his own spin off, it'll do great on TikTok!
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We made a deal with the devil and his only requirement was endless Cars movies so here's another one, this one crosses over with Planes.
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Pixar is remaking the TV show Recess for us.
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A werewolf movie, but the wolf form is *adorable*!
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Buzz Lightyear is a toy, but here he is as a young man. Find out his extended backstory, like where he got his wings, when he decided to use lights on his suit, and the traumatic death of his father that inspired him to fly in this new entry in the Toy Story extended universe
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A bunch of Marvel stuff we've been promising for over a year or more.
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Hopefully our attempts to make you forget that Captain America once accused Loki of being analogous to Hitler and Loki destroying NYC have worked because now he has his own TV show.
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Ms. Marvel, finally!
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Ok, I'm going to sleep now.
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It is now canonical that space travel is actively happening simultaneous to the plot of Toy Story and that Buzz Lightyear is based on *ahem* historical records of the Toy Story universe and not a children's cartoon as was previously assumed. ChrisEvans/1337204197641629696